I'm sorry.

Guess I should post.

Say something.

Keep track of the mind numbing sameness of the day to day.

Living through a historic event is strange - and, you know, it's not the first time for us either, but this sure is a weird one. I hope when we come out the other side of it, we're all relatively OK, unfazed, healthy, hearty, hale. Etcetera.

Being a huge homebody, this hasn't felt so horrific on me. I've had the odd breakdown, but I get to work from home, I'm still getting paid. We're staying inside, staying safe. I'm an introvert. I could use *less* time at home but only because living with my parents means I don't actually get that much space.

My brain is still back on its bullshit, making me agonize over the usual things, but weirdly enough with all of the anxiety and depression it's (presumably) used to, I've actually been in a decent mood. The threat is REAL, of course. The situation is dire. But - it's a bit like... well, my house has been on fire for a LONG time. I kept trying to tell people, and gathering stuff to put the fire out, being careful about not letting it get any worse but nobody believed me. Now, finally, everyone else has realized the house actually IS ON FIRE, but because I'm in a constant (unnecessary) state of panic and readiness, I'm not that freaked out. My fire is under control. It's fine.

Except for when it's not.

I worry about Geek. A lot. And her family. It's been almost two years, and no contact.

I wanted to reach out, I thought. I think. Wasn't sure. Still not sure. Can't decide if reaching out and getting rejected would be worse than never talking again. Can't decide if she ever actually even liked me.

I can't believe I'm still stuck in this goddamn hellscape in my brain. Can't believe I still have dreams there. Can't shake the frustration.

She was really cruel, I think. In the end.

But I still want to be her friend and I still miss her. And doesn't pain usually make us cruel? Or just other people? I'd like to hope I wasn't. That I can believe the friends who say I wasn't. But I don't know...

Most of my close friends are still close with her, and that's hard. I don't understand how she could have left it this long not talking to me (not to say it's any more her fault than mine, just.... she said. ... she wanted to be friends. But maybe that's just the line.)

She has a new girlfriend as of maybe last October? I felt weird finding that out, but not - not bad? I mean ... it's odd. I hope she's nicer to her girlfriend now. It's odd/frustrating that she's dating someone long-distance and basically put herself in the same situation she said she was upset over with me and... that this girl is basically my doppelganger.

It's weird.

I want to ask Morgan or Nik about her, but I don't want to open myself up again. The idea of running into her somewhere is still paralytic.

Mai told me I'm in mourning for two losses: the relationship, and the friendship. I think that's true... Starlight bother(s/ed) me, with how things ended. It was bad. But we weren't as close friends, and I don't hold any animosity there, and I don't think there's any from her side of things either. We were young, she had anger issues and no way to express them. I sure know how to pick 'em.

Morgan told me (ages ago, now) that G didn't hate me. This year, I missed her birthday dinner, because I knew G would be there.

Nik told me they would run interference if we needed, but to keep us away from each other. That wasn't what I wanted.

Sarahs both told me they didn't like her.

Lee told me she didn't to say anything, but didn't like her.

I feel like they said the opposite when we were together, but maybe that's natural, too.

Most people tell me I just need to meet someone nice.

Or, "You're too nice."

But I don't meet anyone. And nobody looks twice at me.

I just feel like I'm dragging my heels through life... the quarantine (it's working here, at least, and our hospitals aren't overwhelmed, our case doubling has slowed significantly) just has me feeling that all the more.

I can't believe I'm still too freaked out to drive, like... ever. Can I get over that?

Can I get my own place?

Will someone put up with me being Ace long enough to actually go out with me?

Will I actually like anyone ever again? Can I? Maybe I'm not designed for it.

The people I like (so few and far between) have always either not been interested or have wound up dating my friends instead. With two notable exceptions, of course. Not that that ended well.

I don't really want to be alone forever.

But I still think that's the real reason I'm here, in what I am, the way I am, the emptiness. I still think she just couldn't put up with it any longer.

It's not fair to the allos to have to deal with that, is it?

I feel old. I feel old, tired, useless, ugly.

All the hard work I put into relationships, skills, etc. just fell flat. I can't make things any more. I don't have the energy.

I want to make my parents masks to wear, even if it doesn't do enough.

The convention I was going to have my first table at is cancelled, the second play Sarahtea and I wrote isn't going to see the light of day for another year at least. These things are unfortunate, necessary sacrifices of course. But they are the only things I have to show for about two year's work.

I don't want to have to keep pulling myself up.

I know the sacrifices of quarantine make this feeling worse. They fester.

I know.

I know it will be better.

I'm just so goddamn tired.

But I'll wait.

At least I always have faith in science.