Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil Endgame for you, whoever might read this - probably just jarofporter, yeah?

I keep thinking life without Geek should become my new normal. I guess it has - but it still feels like a raw wound. It still gives me nightmares - or dreams, I guess - and I wake up at four am wondering what the hell happened.

I don't know if she realized - or understood - how much she meant to me. But, saying that, I'm not sure I meant the same to her. It's hard to say. More and more I feel like you can't really know anyone, not even yourself. I thought when push came to shove, I'd be able to do what she asked and I'd be able to stand up for what I wanted, or what I believed, or, or, or...

Turns out that's not true. Or, it is, and... I don't know. Maybe what I wanted or what I believed in was that I wasn't ready, or that everything was entirely off kilter. Hard to say.

Oddly, or frustratingly (since it was "my" thing before it was ever "hers" or "ours"), the MCU, which I lovely dearly, now just serves as a reminder of us.

I had a breakdown this week again because a mutual friend ("Morgue") went and saw Endgame with her on a day we had made plans, not realizing she'd double-booked herself. I feel petty, being upset about that, but I think more and more that I realized it's not about the two of them seeing it together. When I saw it today? All I could think about was how much we saw ourselves in Cap and Peggy, or Cap and Thor, or what-have-you, and how many wonderful moments there were between all the characters we had grown to love over the years in all of the movies, the series, etc. and how much I wanted to talk to Geek about it. I wanted to have seen it with her. I wanted all of the years of love and attention we put into it TOGETHER to culminate in the same way.

I loved dissecting MCU movies with her, and strategizing over what might happen. I don't really have anyone to do that with anymore. When she broke up with me I lost the future I wanted and my best friend.

Twelve years of friendship and over three years together gone, just like that.

I've been trying really hard to be okay.

I'm not. I'm better, but not great. It just feels like it's been such a long time now that I really shouldn't still be bursting into tears over her.

She's taking up too much space in my head ENTIRELY RENT FREE.

If I could hate her or decide not to care, it would be a lot easier.

Instead, I'll just keep going over the things I think we'd have said about it... and maybe pretend it's a conversation with someone else. Who knows if that's healthy or not. I just want to get through the day.

The day, then the month, then the year.

Maybe one day she'll (we'll?) learn from it, or grow from it, and laugh about it.

For now, I'm just keeping myself as busy as I can. It's been the only way I've been able to cope. I'm fine when I'm around people, or doing something. It's the thinking that takes me out of it.

I guess that emotional milestone is just a missed opportunity.

But I don't want to give it all my attention.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't think of me at all.