I don't know what to say.

I always sort of dread my birthday - I guess because it acts as a yearly reminder how much I haven't managed to get done (or achieve, or enjoy, or... whatever). And hoo boy, there's that happy mortality reminder.

This time last year (ish), you surprised me by driving for six hours and getting my closest friends to distract me before turning up for a dinner date. It was one of the sweetest, nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I'm not sure I've ever been happier.

Three months ago, after a week of not speaking to me, you decided it made more sense to end things "so we wouldn't resent one another", even though probably neither of us wanted to. Even though you balled your eyes out nearly the whole time... and so did I. You were angry that I still haven't told my parents... and I get it. But how much push and shove can we have? I wanted your help. I wanted your support. More than that, I wanted to make sure I wouldn't get thrown out. I tried to talk to you for a week with ... nothing. You didn't answer my messages. You didn't even read them. When you finally deigned to respond, you said "you forgot". How do you do that? How can you forget your girlfriend for a week? And I told you I couldn't move in if that was going to happen again. Not that I wouldn't. Not that I didn't want to. That I needed to know that wasn't how you would handle things.

You kept saying you didn't want to never speak to me again. Well, it's been three months. It's my birthday next week. I still haven't heard from you.

I'm dreading my birthday, like I always do... but this feels a little more raw, a little more hopeless. I realized about a month ago, the date of the drag festival you were planning on going to for a second time (but without me, this time) was over my birthday weekend. Did you know that when you planned it, originally? When we were still an us? Does it matter?

My mum forgot and scheduled a weekend conference. So she and dad aren't going to be there either. Honestly, I want to skip the whole fucking thing.

You're going to be in another country for my birthday. It's seeming less and less possible that we could ever be an us again - but didn't we both want to be friends? Don't I matter even a little? Shouldn't twelve years of friendship account for something?

I don't know if I want to hear from you for my birthday or not. I think I do, but every dream I have about you leaves me walking up shattered.

It's all convoluted.

But I'm stuck. Like I always am. And with you and Lee both ignoring me for the foreseeable future, I'm having a hard time focusing on the positives. Who else can boast losing a best friend and a partner in a month? Why am I being punished for (quite literally) trying to live a secure life without compromising making room for myself? She's stopped talking to me over what is ... basically? Me making costumes and having fun with other people after I'd asked her first a thousand times but she'd only decline.

I give so much of myself away. I do a lot to make other people happy. I don't need that all back. I just... wanted a little understanding.

I don't think I could even chronicle it all here. I haven't made it more than a few days without crying. I'm still mourning a future that I wanted, one that I had made room for. I suppose you just don't care any more.

Maybe if I wish hard enough on those candles, I won't care either.